Proud or Jealous
by SupernaturalFreak007
Summary: John's thoughts about Dean, during the happenings of Devils Trap.


**Disclaimer: **it's a plain fan-work by the fan who wishes that she could claim the ownership of the boys.

**Summary: **Johns feelings for Dean, during the happenings of Devils Trap. 

**Proud or Jealous**

With the demon lurking inside me, I stood by the door listening to the confessions made by my first born. Talking to his younger brother, there stood the "man" I actually admire. And getting my admiration is something.

No matter at what age, I put what responsibilities on those shoulders. And did I hear even one word of complain? No! I asked a lot from my boy. At the age of four, this child had to go through the things that I believe most of us would not have stood to bear. Yet I was the one to moan, to complain and my KID, my baby was the one to comfort me over all those years. YES I am proud of the man my son has become!

My son has been forced into hunting, not by his mothers death, but by his revenge obsessed father. And he is a better hunter then most of the hunters I have come across, and they have been hunting for all their life. Once I head Pastor Jim telling Caleb that Dean is the best hunters in all the hunters he has ever known. And I felt a pang of jealousy in me. I admit that as Dean always obeys me, he rarely gets the credit for what he does.

I was startled when my legs carried me near my son and my lips started moving and said, "you did good son." I felt proud of my son, when his eyes immediately glinted with suspicion. I felt proud when he kept looking at me intently, when the demon using me, sent his brother out of the room.

I have always been trying to teach my son to put his instincts before his emotions and I have seen his emotions clouding his judgment when it comes to his family. My poor boy gets twisted very easily by the people he loves,

So, I can't really tell you how proud and delighted I felt when he drew the gun on me. Finally he has overcome his weakness as love for me. He was able to realize that it is not actually me in front of him.

To my misfortune, at this very same moment my youngest came into my room. And my heart jumped to my throat. Sammy is the weakness Dean will never be able to overcome. It is the fact that is very known in my friends and foes so, the demon inside of me, could anytime use Sam to his advantage.

I admit that I heard the very same words coming out of my mouth, that I would myself have used to convince Sam, had its really been me stuck in that situation.

My attention focused on my Kids, I wanted to scream to them, for Dean to shoot me, for Sam to not to listen to me, for dean to convince his brother that he should not listen to me. Funny as it may seem, I have spent a life time trying to make Sam listen to me. But not today, today is not one of those days.

I badly wanted to hit my eldest, when he did not even bother to look at his brother let alone be verbal into convincing him that in this brother against father suit, he should take his brothers side. But I could not punch my eldest and Dean did not try to convince his brother. Maybe it was the trust he has on the way he has raised his baby brother that made him too bold at that instant.

But it actually amazed me when Sam said "no" and moved to stand beside his brother. Till the last moment my youngest son chose to disobey me. And I felt pleased by his decision.

I want to confess, the emotions inside me over-rode my feeling of happiness.

I was proud of – DEAN - who became a father at the age of four. He raised his baby brother really well and I am ashamed I had a very little contribution what Sam is today.

I was jealous of – DEAN – my youngest son trusted him more than he trusts me. Dean did not even had to try to convince his brother, He did not even had to utter a sound to make him come to his side.

And now – I am yet to decide what is the strongest emotion I felt for dean at that instant, pride or jealousy?

**A/N: **i don't know from where exactly this came from? But well I wrote it. Hope you enjoyed it. I would appreciate your comments!!! 


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